7-minute read
A monthly post generated from reflective thought and experience
Ask any leader for a list of their top five challenges. Managing conflict and difficult conversations usually lead the list. Managing workplace disagreement is a mandatory management skill that requires leaders to be comfortable with discomfort. It’s one of the reasons leaders get paid the big bucks.
Much has been written on the subject over the years. Leading the pack is Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, the collaborative effort of Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project. This book is an approachable master class on the subject and worthy of every manager’s attention. My copy is underlined, highlighted, starred, and full of notes.
What makes difficult conversations so difficult? Incited by a specific incident – a missed deadline, mistake on a report, or lack of delegation – the difficulty lies in the interplay of personalities, feelings, assumptions, perceptions, and intentions swirling around the incident, elevating mechanics into an issue of status, relatability, and fairness in the workplace.
Although every difficult conversation is unique, there are common elements.
Someone feels they have been treated unfairly.
There is blame.
Emotions are high.
Productivity and collaboration leave the building.
It can be a lot for leaders to navigate. We’ll use the scenario below as the basis for our discussion.
Steve and Lucy are presenting their team’s work to the board. Steve presents his section, and while Lucy is presenting, Steve offers additional details and comments as asides. Steve believes he was being helpful. Lucy is furious.
You weren’t in the meeting, but heard what happened. As their manager, your role is to broker a conversation.
Here is the initial landscape:
Someone feels they have been treated unfairly – Lucy
There is blame- Lucy blames Steve for undercutting her authority
Emotions are high- Lucy is furious, Steve is confused
Productivity and collaboration are nonexistent.
Now you need a plan.
1) Be proactive.
Once informed, don’t sit on the situation. Check in with Steve and Lucy to make sure each is in the right mindset for a productive conversation. Invite them to a neutral space (conference room versus your office, or ask that they change rooms for a virtual meeting)
The longer bad feelings percolate, the worse they get.
2) Get the facts.
Give each party two minutes to describe what happened in their own words. As you gather facts from Steve and Lucy, it is important not to prejudge the situation. Understand what happened and in what order. Curiosity leads your fact-finding. Ask clarifying questions to determine the root cause and if this has happened before or is an isolated incident.
This is what I heard. Is this correct?
What don’t I know?
Is there anything else that we haven’t talked about?
Facts aren’t blame; they are an agreed-upon series of events. Gathering facts also helps you remain calm when emotions are high. Modulate your voice and practice welcoming body language to keep the temperature down.
3) Have a flexible plan.
Enter the conversation with three guiding questions:
What happened?
What should have happened?
What will prevent this from happening again?
Let Lucy and Steve know that these will guide the conversation. Lay out the guiding questions to set expectations and connect the issues to a business outcome. As you work to understand the root causes and develop a workable solution, be flexible and listen closely.
4) Talk about feelings.
Any difficult conversation IS a conversation about feelings. That said, discussing feelings can be uncomfortable, which is why people tend to end the conversation as quickly as possible by jumping straight into solutions.
But if emotions aren’t discussed and managed, they temporarily retreat only to rear up again at the smallest perceived slight.
When discussing emotions, empathy, and focus are key.
Empathy: Put yourself in each person’s place and consider how you would react. This helps you avoid jumping to conclusions. Name what you hear: “You sound frustrated, angry, sad…” and allow both Steve and Lucy to affirm or redirect your assumptions. Listen calmly and quietly to each side. If there is crying, offer the option to reconvene later.
Focus: Remind Steve and Lucy that the conversation is about one issue and its root cause. It can be easy to pile on, but this muddies the water and makes it difficult to reach shared agreements later.
5) Co-create a path.
At the end of the conversation, the goal is for Lucy and Steve to co-create their future path, with your support.
Lucy and Steve’s responsibility is to discuss how they will collaborate, communicate, and what they will do if things go sideways. Your role is to monitor their working relationship going forward and objectively assess any contributing factors that may lead to future disagreements.
One possible solution is to create an opportunity that requires them to collaborate and serve as co-presenters to put their solutions into practice and prove that progress is possible. Support them in their preparation by identifying areas where overtalking could occur and helping them mitigate those instances together.
Gentle reminder: Document all conversations! (There are no facts about the future)
For the in-between times
We’re not always managing fires in the moment. During the in-between times, learn about yourself and your biases to better prepare yourself for difficult conversations to come.
1) Understand assumptions and bias.
Bias is often the root cause of disagreements. We all have assumptions and biases about our co-workers. If we understand our biases, it is easier to acknowledge them during difficult conversations. To understand yours and how they may be affecting your relationships and decision-making, begin with the Project Implicit assessment.
Project Implicit is the premier research tool studying bias, judgment, and decision-making.
2) Socialize the A-I-D Model
Similar to the Situation-Behavior-Impact feedback model, this one stands for
A-Action (the incident)
I-Impact (Why it’s an issue)
D-Do Differently (collaborate on a solution)
An easy model to share with your team, adopting this helps create a culture that thrives on feedback. Teams accustomed to giving and receiving feedback manage difficult conversations more effectively.
But… sometimes, a difficult conversation is beyond your ability to manage. Don’t delay, hire a mediator. As trained, unbiased third-party professionals, they can help your team bridge the gap.
Sooner or later, a difficult situation will arise that tests your leadership. Showing up with curiosity, empathy, and clarity will help you help your team navigate the occasional discomfort of being human in a group of other humans.
Thank you for reading.
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