Having difficult conversations is part of the fabric of work. Typically, conflicts at work that require difficult conversations may be about individual performance, organizational performance, compliance issues, or employee disagreements. This year, conflicts at work and difficult conversations are estimated to be even more frequent due to, among others, the upcoming election, geopolitical unrest, and continued realities of climate change.
One thing for certain is that if you are working, at some point, you will be on one side or another of a difficult conversation. It’s inevitable.
To help destigmatize and provide a structure for having difficult conversations, this month we are joined by Chris Daly, an attorney, state-certified trainer, mediator, conflict coach & circle keeper with the New York Peace Institute, who will share her wisdom and experience on this important topic.
Watch the full video or keep reading for the highlights and key takeaways.
How can we destigmatize the inevitability of difficult conversations in the workplace for leaders and employees?
Our work is a defining component of who we are and our identity. Generally, we want to be successful in our careers and have positive and productive experiences. Because of that, it’s jarring when conflict arises at work, and many of us deal with that friction by actively avoiding conflict in terms of difficult conversations.
Key takeaway: Leaders should work toward normalizing conflict. When we work, we create or produce something. Multiple points of view exist in the workplace, so we are not always aligned. Create an environment where misalignment is a normal and expected part of work. This will set the expectation that difficult conversations will happen and can be worked through.
From your experience, in which areas of the workplace do difficult conversations happen most frequently? What are you seeing as trends this year?
Employee conflict happens in every workplace, but it is especially common in how we now frequently work in a remote or hybrid context. What we’ve seen over the past four years since the pandemic has affected how we see and perceive work, autonomy, and the communal aspect of the workplace.
Key takeaway: When establishing a workplace that benefits employees and the success of the business, some key questions should be asked. These collaborative conversations can help minimize the frequency of difficult conversations.
- How can we each do our best work?
- When do we work? Is a 9-5 workday still relevant?
- Are we in a shared space?
- How can we learn and share best across generations?
- How are we giving and getting productive feedback?
Is there a process you follow for introducing and having difficult conversations?
Instead of avoiding difficult conversations, we need to intentionally plan and prepare how to best have a difficult conversation that meets the needs of all stakeholders. Consider both immediate and future impact and outcome of your message.
Key takeaway: Preparation in advance of a difficult conversation is critical. Practicing role reversal in your planning is a key component of success.
- What do I want to get out of this conversation? What does the other party want?
- What is my goal? What is the goal of the other party?
- Is there anything I need to say? How can I say it so that it has the impact I need?
- What are my feelings here? How are they likely to feel about this conversation?
- How can I best communicate to get the future result that I want? How and where can I make space for them to speak?
What advice can you offer those tasked with having a difficult conversation in the moment?
As humans, when we’re put on the spot and feel challenged, the mind defaults to the fight, flight, or flee response. This automatic threat response will interfere with our analytical thought process and will ultimately obscure our intended message.
Key Takeaway: Slow the conversation down!
Take the time to think about how you open the conversation so you can avoid a defensive reaction. Practice humility by asking questions and trying to get to the root of the issue.
Practice an ask and check-in framework:
- This is what I seeing and hearing. Is this right?
- Is there something else we can add to our discussion?
Don’t be afraid to take a break. Pause the conversation to give yourself time to process, and when you return, you may see and hear things differently.
Difficult conversations are frequently emotionally charged. What is your advice for incorporating, acknowledging, and managing emotional responses?
Remember that emotions motivate behavior – we don’t act solely on facts even when we endeavor to do so.
Key takeaway: Build your emotional intelligence to understand what motivates you in the conversation. Work toward getting to the core of what is causing the friction.
Conflict conversations move fast and are multi-layered; there can be a lot of information to process. Don’t be afraid to take a break to reset. Are there cultural norms that need to be considered? More than one conversation may be required to work past the issue.
Is there any specific non-verbal communication that should be incorporated or avoided?
Even if we are not consciously aware of them, non-verbal cues are loud, and we inevitably pick up on non-verbal shifts. Also, be aware of the non-verbal cues you convey yourself.
Key takeaways: When having a difficult conversation, employ non-verbal attenders like nodding and good eye contact. Have the conversation in a distraction-free and neutral space. Be transparent and show openness. Acknowledge what is impacting you and your reactions.
If relevant, take cultural norms into account. Is someone perceiving what you are saying differently because of cultural norms?
What role does the recipient play during a difficult conversation?
Each party is important in the conversation, and they may hold very different perspectives. Stakes may be higher on the other side. They may be worried and feel in danger of losing status, money, or their job, so the stakes may be different for you and them.
Understand how your recipient is entering this conversation. Role reversal scenarios can help you plan how the conversation will go.
Key takeaway: Humanize the situation and consider the other person. They may have more at risk with the conversation than you. To get to the source of the tension and achieve a better outcome, both sides should lean into curiosity about WHY we’re in a place that requires this difficult conversation.
Remember, there may be barriers in the workplace that prevent people from speaking up.
As leaders, how do we create an environment where people are heard? A place where people are free to ask questions? Without this, we miss potentially important information.
How can the parties make a difficult conversation productive?
Key takeaway: Come to the conversation with curiosity.
The most productive conversations allow for the sharing of perspectives to increase understanding. Explore differences. This can unearth different perspectives that can lead to better practices at work going forward. Asking questions during difficult conversations will strengthen the workplace and can cause needed changes to occur collaboratively.
What are productive ways to follow up after a difficult conversation?
Key takeaway: Turn a difficult conversation into a starting point for organizational improvement.
Frame the result of a difficult conversation as an opportunity for an ideation session using the following organizing questions:
- What is important to employees and to the organization?
- Where do you want to go?
- How do you want to get there?
Brainstorm without barriers and explore replicable ideas.
Finally, accountability structures should be established, with a timeline and scheduled check-in.
What are the indicators that an outside mediator or conflict coach may be needed?
Key takeaway: If the topic is too hot but requires attention and resolution, consider hiring a neutral outside party. An outside expert can identify commonalities and differences to quickly get to the core of the issue.
Here are some criteria for making this decision:
- When the subject is not appropriate for an internal conversation.
- When you feel tied to a point of view.
- When emotions are too high.
- When you need more time to process but also need resolution quickly.
- When you are stuck and can’t see a way beyond this impasse.
The job of an outside party is to facilitate communication, to hear and amplify what is being said on both sides, and to identify the topics and the core of what needs to be discussed.
Final thoughts
Key takeaway: To move forward, reflect on past difficult conversations
Be a Monday morning quarterback. Reflect on the conversation and consider what was said, whether you would do or say anything differently, what was successful, and what was missing.
Debrief with trusted colleagues. Remember, we all are better when we take the time to reflect on what happened, why it happened, and how we can use this information mindfully to create the change we need going forward.
Thank you, Chris Daly, for your insight and experience on this timely topic.
Additional Resources:
Harvard Negotiation Project: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen
If you know or have a young person starting out in their career, or if you hire them, this book is for you.
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